So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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