he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
