I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
