??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
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My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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