dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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