That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
