dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
