3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
