remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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