You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
