batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
