Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
