we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
