i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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