my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
