At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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