If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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