Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
it's great music for shaving your balls
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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