I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
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Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
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I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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