Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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