i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
