It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
