I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
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he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
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No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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