Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
