i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
