another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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