I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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