i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
