is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
