i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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