Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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