he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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