My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
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He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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