I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
