last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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