I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
