Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My liver is preforming stress tests.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
