my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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