I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
