I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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