I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
