my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
