I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My first STD was from a foam party
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
