Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
