Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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