I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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