then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
