On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
