So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
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Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
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Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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