If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
