At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
