you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
