last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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