he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
